Aim for a C (Natural): Tips from a counselor for navigating the new world

As a former Suzuki child-turned-mental health
counselor, I’m seeing a lot of parents and teachers
in my practice struggling to navigate the new
world we all share since the onset of COVID-19. I hope that
some of this wisdom from the world of counseling and
psychology will offer reassurance and direction in moments
of overwhelm, uncertainty, and fear as they might arise.
Here are a few tips and reflections to take with you into the
rest of your day—with awareness of the part that music and
the relationships between teachers, students, and parents
can play.
The work of Bruce Perry teaches us that stress that is
predictable, moderate, and manageable leads to greater
and greater resilience, whereas stress that is unpredictable, intense, and uncontrollable leads to vulnerability.
One way for parents and teachers to help themselves and
their families to deal with a prolonged stressor is to make
the stress as predictable as possible. Even if what’s going to
happen today is going to be outside of the usual routine, if
it’s known and expected, it becomes much easier to manage.
Keeping a consistent (virtual) lesson time adds predictability
and structure, and may help to shield children from the
impact of some of the stress of this time.
Remember that it doesn’t need to be the best lesson or
practice session of the year. Soften any pressure to be
your most creative or energetic self. I like the language
of “aiming for a C.” Even if it means practicing the same
exercises for the fourth lesson in a row, just being a steady
and known presence who the child sees every week will
add structure and support. You might not be completing
the 100-day practice challenge, but you are still keeping
lessons and practicing a part of your normal routine, which
is something students can rely on. Tell your children and
your students what you know: “Here’s what I’m expecting
is going to happen these next few weeks, and here’s what
we’re going to do today.”
For many students, working on repertoire that is not more
than moderately challenging right now may help them to
gain confidence not only in their playing, but in their ability
to navigate other difficult situations like the larger ones
we’re all going through together. Work together to make
practice time a manageable and fun challenge where they
can feel successful. Avoid adding struggle onto struggle.
Even if you have to change course, give yourselves permission to find pieces and smaller challenges that might help to
build confidence and add a bit of fun into the day.
We are also learning more and more from a large body of
work on trauma that it’s often not what happens that makes
something traumatic; it’s the lack of emotional support
before, during, and after, that causes much of the harm. One
of the hardest things that can happen to a child is to be left
alone with their feelings. Even in the worst of experiences,
if we feel that another person is truly present with us, and
can hold us emotionally in the midst of our anger, sadness,
and fear, the lasting impact of the difficulty will be much
more minimal. Knowing and feeling “we’re in this together;
you’re not alone” can make all the difference for a child
(or a grown-up). So whenever possible, ask your student or
your child how they are feeling. Help them talk with you,
and make time to truly listen and be present without trying
to fix it. Even big feelings and tantrums can be held in this
same way; providing a safe place to express, be held, and
offload what’s being carried.
As Suzuki teachers and parents, you have a unique and
incredibly special relationship with your students. You
are a trusted and important part of your students’ lives,
and sometimes the only person outside of the family they
are seeing every single week. Taking extra time at the
beginning or end of lessons, or at the beginning and end
of the day, to just talk with your students and children is
important now more than ever. They might not bring up
big thoughts or questions, but knowing you are available
and safe to talk to is what’s important. And you can ask:
“What are you feeling worried about right now?” or “it
must be hard not seeing your friends in person. What has
it been like for you?” For more on listening to the feelings
of children, see Patty Wipfler’s beautiful work, and her
book/audiobook called Listen.
It might also be especially helpful to know that research in
psychology shows that we only need to get it right 33 percent
of the time with our students and children, and all the rest is
rupture and repair. When you’re overwhelmed yourself, “living on top of each other” in the home, with many unknowns
about the future, it is totally normal and expected to not be
at your best. When you aren’t the parent or teacher you want
to be, commit to coming back and saying to your child, your
student, your partner, your co-worker, your friend: “I blew
it.” Let them know what you wish you would have done, and
get re-connected with them as soon as you’re feeling up to it.
Raising emotionally healthy children isn’t about being perfect; in fact, it’s essential for them to experience that other 67
percent. Over and over again, this is where they’ll learn to ride

out bumps in the road, to express their
own feelings, and to trust that it’s going
to be okay. This is where we and they
learn that when bad things happen, it
gets better again. What better way to
show our children that we can make
it through this pandemic—that we’re
going to be okay—than to make it so
between us in the smallest of moments.
Lastly, there’s a lot being written right
now about the negative aspects of video
conferencing and hosting lessons and
meetings online: that it is more tiring,
that it removes eye contact and facial/
body language cues that build trust,
and that it is inherently disconnecting.
Author and therapist Bonnie Badenoch
encourages us to notice the negative
induction of these messages. While
teaching over video is not the same as
teaching in person, notice if the things
you are reading and hearing are building
a storyline that makes it even harder on
you. What you expect will determine a
lot about how you experience your video
lessons. Can you lean into the feeling of
connection you know is there between
you and your students when you see
them on video? Can you take an extra
moment to feel it before you begin? Are
there any ways that staying home or
teaching and taking lessons online has
brought benefits, new insights, or has
enriched your playing or your relationships? Make a practice of noticing and
absorbing the good.
Making stress predictable, moderate,
and manageable; listening to the emotions of the children in your life (and
finding those who can listen to yours);
resting in the knowledge that our many
ruptures can be repaired; and absorbing
the good—I hope these reflections offer
some support and some solace to you in
this time. These ways of living can help
us always, but never more so than now.
My sincere wishes for the best for you,
your family, and your studios, until we
can see each other again! 7
Author’s Note: While this article was written
as a response to the novel coronavirus,
since its writing, the increased exposure
of ongoing systemic racial injustices in the
US and elsewhere has ignited additional
unrest. Much of what is written here can be
adapted as a response to stress and trauma
of various kinds, though it is imperative
that people holding positions of power also
continue to work to shield our children and
adults from experiencing the trauma of
ongoing racism and oppression.

Jeannie Songer i s a
mental health therapist
a n d y o g a i n s t r u c t o r
from Portland , O R . In
addition, she conducted
research on circadian
rhythm disorders and light/
dark cycles at Oregon Health and Science
University for seven years prior to her graduate
program. She completed her master’s degree from
Pacifica Graduate Institute in Santa Barbara, CA.
She is currently married to a Suzuki teacher and
so lives surrounded by music.