by Crystal Hardman Boyack, Clarissa Hoover, Elanor Van Hoose, Jonathan Van Hoose

A recent interaction with a new family that came into my studio took me by surprise. In our first lesson, the mom said, “I spent all night googling how to make Suzuki work in a split household family—and I found nothing! Is this even possible!?” She was stressed about trying to get her daughter’s dad to play the recording and practice daily and feared all her work would be for nothing if he wasn’t fully on board. She is not the first person to have this concern within the Suzuki community, nor will she be the last.

A family in my studio, now lifelong friends, constantly amazed me with the ways they peacefully and successfully navigated two households while steadily continuing their Suzuki education. This family shared their wisdom with me to share with this new family. I share their words here, as well as some of my own, to inspire dual household families that it is possible.

Before beginning, let’s consider the traditional Suzuki triangle: parent, child, and teacher. When the parents are split and each is taking an active role in raising a child, it adds a fourth corner to the Suzuki triangle, turning it into a three-dimensional triangular pyramid.

In this Suzuki pyramid, the teacher needs a strong relationship with both parents, the child needs support from both parents, and both parents need support from the teacher. Read on for the viewpoints of all four corners of one family’s Suzuki pyramid.

From Elanor: the student

As we all adjusted to the split, it was stressful for me to deal with the differences in how and when I was supposed to practice every time I switched houses. This issue gave me a pretty strong aversion to violin when I was younger, and it took me a long time to recover from it and enjoy the instrument. Although the start was rough, we worked together and improved more and more as the years went on.

Consistency between households was the most important thing for me as a child learning violin with divorced parents. If you have a set practice time, make it the same at both houses. Both parents should try to be equally forceful in how hard they enforce practicing.

Everyone also needs to be on the same page with practice. One good method is having a shared google document that both parents can write notes on each lesson. That way they can both check it whenever they need to without having to rely on the other for information.

Remember that it is possible and you are not alone!

From Jon: the parent

Consistency is definitely important. That’s an area where we didn’t do well for a long time. Things got better when Elanor got older and was able to assert her own preferences. If the parents are able to communicate well with each other, establishing baseline expectations and goals is a good idea. That doesn’t have to mean things are identical at both houses, but it’s good to avoid leaving the child caught in the middle if there are competing expectations.

If possible, it’s useful for both parents to alternate between attending lessons. Everyone is in the loop if both parents have a chance to see what their child is working on and what their focus is. As Elanor said, a shared set of notes is a good idea. Everyone then has a common reference point.

Parents should work together as well as possible to be consistent for the child. It’s also important to be flexible enough that disagreements don’t cause tension between the parents and conflict or stress for the child. Agree on the big things to the extent that you can, understanding that details might vary between parent styles. Everyone needs to be on the same team.

From Clarissa: the parent

When separating from a partner, it’s common for each partner to go through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). It’s natural for anger to hit, and you should allow yourself to feel that and move past it, continuing through the grieving process until you arrive at acceptance. Too many families stay stuck in anger, and it becomes toxic for the child.

Since I was a violinist and Jon was not, I knew progress would be slower when we split. I decided that was okay. Slow progress was better than having tension over the violin. I had to let a lot of things go to keep a peaceful situation for Elanor.

From Crystal: the teacher

I made some mistakes in the process of working with this family, and it is vulnerable to share them. But it has also turned me into who I am as a teacher now, and I hope that by sharing them, I can help other teachers avoid making the same mistakes I did.

Elanor was young and just getting into the groove of lessons when her parents separated. Violin immediately took a back seat to her emotional needs. More than once I became frustrated at her slow progress and thought about passing her on to another teacher. In a particularly uninspired moment, I drafted a letter to each parent telling them if practice did not improve, I would drop them as a student. Blessedly, I read the email aloud before pressing send and realized how unempathetic I was. This child was going through trauma and did not need more trauma by feeling unwanted in a studio that was supposed to be a safe space. Of course progress was slow, and of course practice was hit or miss—her whole life was turned upside down. I let my goal of nurturing a good violinist cloud my goal of nurturing a great human being. I erased the email and tried again. I asked about their goals and what expectations for practice were feasible in their life. Together, all four corners created a plan for not just progress on the violin, but peace in the home and joy in the process.

Elanor’s practice improved and there was more peace in the home and joy in the process, but it didn’t come from me laying down my standards. It came from me connecting with both parents and creating a plan together that we could all agree on. As my connection with each parent improved, Elanor improved as a violinist. In our last lesson, she was playing so beautifully it gave me goosebumps.

Elanor, Jon, and Clarissa have found what a Suzuki dual household family looks like for them. No two situations are the same, and no two people are the same, but one family’s success can give hope to more. So, to my new Suzuki dual household family: Yes, Suzuki education is possible, whether it’s a triangle or a pyramid, or even a shape of indescribable dimensions. Yes, no matter what it looks like, Every Family Can.

Crystal Boyack is a leader in early childhood violin pedagogy and is a highly sought after teacher, clinician and lecturer. She is the best selling author of Wee Violin: World Music Preparatory to TwinkleCrystal began teaching violin, viola and orchestra at 15 years old when she founded and directed Morgan Valley Strings, a community orchestra program. She attended Weber State University studying Music Education and the University of New Mexico studying String Pedagogy.She currently teaches at the University of New Mexico’s String Lab School and runs a private studio teaching Suzuki Violin and Music Together.She loves spending her time gardening, doing yoga, and playing, laughing and adventuring with her husband and four young children.

Clarissa has career experience in archaeology, computer programming, patient advocacy, and motherhood. She completed her Masters in Public Health in 2013 with a focus on patient and family engagement in health-related services. Her professional work is mainly focused on family partnerships in pediatric research and on supporting family-to-family organizations in every state and territory of the US.

Elanor is a senior at Cottonwood Classical Preparatory School in Albuquerque, NM, where she co-leads the school’s student-led chamber music ensemble.  She is passionate about non-traditional animal species, especially reptiles and spiders, and looks forward to studying ecology.

Jon is an archaeologist with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.